Before you immediately run to basically anything else on the internet because salesy crap is annoying, we're giving away some free stuff, and in order to do that, we gotta do the "why you should love us" salesy stuff occasionally. That said, I'm a pushover at heart and hate being sold to, so we'll do the freebie part first so you can read it and quit... if you want to be THAT person.
So, as some of you know, I was in respiratory care for years. As you can imagine, we saw a TON of cancer patients. No matter where you initially get cancer it eventually works its way into your lungs and you need respiratory therapy, oxygen, inhalation meds, the whole nine yards.
Most of my patients were smokers, and you expect it from them. It is what it is. Adults can make their own decisions. You know what pissed/pisses me off though? The people with no bad habits, no behaviors that expose them to carcinogens, and no obvious health defects, who end up dying of cancer because they were just lazy.
This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You know how cheap a #mammogram is? $99 if you download the MDSave coupon, print it, and schedule your mammo at a place that accepts MDSave. There are something like eleventy-billion places that do. That's what Rachel did.
Now, I know from talking to her that getting a mammo sucks. Apparently they take two giant plates and smash your boob, then they turn the plates sideways and smash it again. Then they torture the other one. Doesn't sound like a win to me. But, if you get checked and there's a spot or something, well there you go. Catch it early, cut it out, go on living. Don't get one, spot grows, never get to see your grandkids graduate from high school. Pretty simple.
So, here's our freebie: A LOT of people love our #B12 shots. Gives them that pep in their step to have a great week. Makes you feel like smiling. We sell a ton of them. Through the end of this month we're just going to give them away to anyone who walks in with a receipt showing they got a mammogram in October. Don't care where you got it, just that you did. It'll be a crappy experience getting that mammo, and you won't feel all jazzed after it, so to pick up your mood and get you back on track, we're not requiring any purchase, an appointment, or anything. Hell, you don't even have to say thank you. Just get the mammo, stroll into one of our offices, show your nurse the receipt, get your #B12 shot, and go about your business. Tell your friends. ONE OF YOU is going to either be the person who decides to get checked, or tells your friend about our freebie who decides to get checked, and sure enough there's gonna be something there... Then it's gonna get fixed instead of overlooked, and that's a giant win for all of us.
Why? Well look, to be honest, if you get breast cancer and it metastasizes because you didn't get a mammo and didn't know about it, you can't really be a regular #IVTherapy customer from a coffin can you? You're no good to us dead. We're trying to incentivize you to stay alive. Then you can get IVs for years to come. Sweet.
Please take advantage of this and tell your friends. We feel great when we do something that helps someone. It's really the best part of the job. When someone says "I felt like hell and now I feel great", that's fantastic. Thinking you're doing something beyond that, like doing a little something to keep someone from facing bad cancer, well you can't beat that. Every person who walks through that door and says "I saw this freebie thing and it made me decide to get a mammogram" is like winning the World Series for us. So, thanks if you do.
And now for the sales...
We've noticed that we are facing an absolute TON of competition, pretty much everywhere. Hell, we have an office in Sunnyvale, Texas, which is a town of UNDER 10,000 people, and there are now TWO IV places in town. In all honesty, a town of 10,000 doesn't need ONE, and we might've goofed opening in Sunnyvale, but it for damned sure doesn't need two.
There are more in Tyler than I can count. You can literally go to a place that'll have one person giving you a pedicure, another fiddling with your eyebrows, and a third sticking you with an IV.
I won't even go into how many there are in Shreveport.
So what makes us think we're any better than any of those other places, and why should you come to us (or let us come to you) as opposed to going to any of them?
For starters, we started this deal six years ago yesterday. We've done tens of thousands of IVs. We've got a little bit of a clue what we're doing. Lots of these places opened 4 months ago after someone said "man those IV places are probably making a killing so we should do that too." Aside from the fact that the joke's on them, I'd say give them a year or so to make sure they know what the hell they're doing before you try them.
Secondly, we don't fiddle-fart around with every BS thing that you can get that will make us a buck. We're here to give you vitamins, meds, minerals, and electrolytes in either IV form or via an injection, and that's all. We don't expect our staff to be able to inject Restylane in your face, or Botox in your crow's feet, or thread your lashes. There's just no way to be great at something if you do everything.
If you are googling "IV therapy near me" and some well-appointed place shows up, and you click on their website only to see a list of services like hormone replacement, hair coloring, laser facials, hydro-something, or anything to do with your eyebrows or lashes, you better stay the hell out of there. You wouldn't get your taxes done at a place that has a sign reading "Taxes prepared, money orders sold, car insurance, notary, and real estate services". No matter which one of those services you picked from that person, it would be half-assed. My accountant LIVES for accounting. That's the way I like it, and that's the way we do things. Do one thing, be the best.
Another thing is making sure you've gone to a place that has the right staffing to give you what you need. Huh?
In Texas and Louisiana, you have to be an RN to mix an IV bag. You can be an LVN/LPN, or an EMT or paramedic, and GIVE an IV, but to mix one you have to be an RN.
So, a lot of these glitzy IV places with sexy websites and big marketing budgets, and ESPECIALLY the mobile only services, are staffed with someone other than an RN. That means they're giving you a pre-mixed bag, or breaking the law, both of which suck for you. Their franchise company is sending them premade bags with fancy names like "the hangover blaster" or "the beauty bag", or whatever. Well, think about this for a second: What if you're allergic to one of those ingredients? Did they ask? What if you aren't supposed to have magnesium because your blood pressure is low? How do they change that bag? They don't. When you come to us and fill out your allergy profile, medical history, and have your vitals taken, we mix your bag right then, based on what's SAFE and effective for you, leaving out or putting in what we should. You ain't getting that everywhere and you shouldn't get an IV ANYWHERE that doesn't do it like that.
One more pet peeve of mine: Please stay the hell away from any place that will give you #ketamine.
Now you're going to tell someone, maybe a doctor or a CRNA, that I said this, and they're going to tell you that it's completely safe and I'm an idiot. The latter may be true, but I don't think the former is.
There's a reason there's a law that says that in order to give it to someone there has to be a CRASH CART in the room. A crash cart. Jesus...
Aside from that little tidbit, it's anesthesia. Seriously. It causes memory loss. The entire point of it is to ease depression by turning you into a zombie who doesn't give a damn about anything, with the happy side effect that you don't care about your problems anymore.
Here's the definition from Wikipedia, if you want a little layman's look at it: "Ketamine is a medication mainly used for starting and maintaining anesthesia. It induces a trance-like state while providing pain relief, sedation, and memory loss." Lovely. Even the American Psychiatric Association says to stay the hell away from it (LINK)
So why do people give it? It costs about 10 bucks a dose and you can sell it for literally THOUSANDS. It's "I'm paying cash for a boat I can sail to the Bahamas" profitable. I've been asked by several doctors to do it in partnership with them. Not a chance. That stuff is for the operating room, and that's it. Anyone who sells that crap is looking to make a buck however they can. Look, if you're depressed, call me and I'll take you out for an ice cream and pay the bill. Skip the memory loss and anesthesia.
So that's it. That's our sales pitch. We're trying to be the best we can, the safest we can, at ONE THING and one thing only, with your health in mind. If somebody else is doing it better, let me know and we'll steal their idea and get better ourselves...
... and even if you go to a different IV place that you like better, get a mammogram and come in for the free B12 anyway. We don't care. We might help save you, and that's more important than the hundred and fifty bucks you spend on an IV.
Well, that's it. Last sales pitch: If you have seen us and had a great experience, please review us on Google. Everybody asks that because it really matters. Our nurses are supposed to ask, but they're usually getting their butts kicked and forget. ;-)
Stay happy, healthy, and hydrated and we'll see you again soon!
