We get these questions ALL THE TIME.

 

It's pretty common around here for a phone call to go like this:

 

"Hi. I was wondering if you offer __________."

 

"No ma'am. You see...", followed by a 9 minute explanation that nobody wants to hear. Sometimes it's followed by "What if I get a note from my doctor?" Then I've got to go into more detail about why that doesn't really matter. Your best bet is to ask questions like that to Rachel. She'll normally just go "No. Sorry. Have a nice day," and you won't have to listen to a rambling story about how bad the such and such can be...

 

Speaking of which, if you never ask for anything jukey, and don't care why we don't offer certain things, rock and roll, you can skip this whole email.

 

What things?!

 

Well, for starters,

 

Semaglutide:

 

Let me get this out of the way: It works. You'll shed weight like it's free. It works better than our only weight-loss alternative, LipoB.

 

That obviously begs the question why the hell we don't offer it.

 

Ketosis. That's what it does. It puts your body into a state of persistent ketosis. That's the first rub. I'm not saying everyone is going to get ketoacidosis, but some small percentage of people are.

 

Not only that, it's basically begging for complications and adverse reactions. You can get dizzy as hell, which isn't great if you're behind the wheel of a 3,000 pound steel death machine that's going 74 miles an hour, or walking down a flight of stairs. You can have major-league constipation OR diarrhea, and how the hell are you supposed to be ready for those two extremes?

 

In general, we just don't think it's a smart way to lose weight, even if it works like gangbusters. So does chaining yourself to a pole, out of reach of food, for 5 days, but that doesn't make it smart. Every shortcut in life comes with consequences, so just eat less, watch WHAT you eat, exercise, and earn the weight loss. I did, and I'm lazy as hell when it comes to exercise. If I can lose 50 pounds, you can too. Email me and ask how. I didn't buy anything or do anything crazy. 

 

Iron Infusions:

 

We've been over this a few dozen times. There are 16 fairly common types of iron infusions. 4 are VERY common. Knowing which to give you requires an absolute "bank-bag full of cash" batch of lab-work and materials. Most people who think they need an iron infusion really don't. Worse, they may have needed one two years ago, don't now, but are tired and think they can get the same thing again.

 

They're dangerous as hell if not needed, and if not done correctly. You should NEVER get an iron infusion from some place (like us) that does "retail" IVs. None of us are properly equipped or trained for it. They make a lot of money for the IV spa, so some will do it, but that doesn't mean they're doing it properly, or for people who actually need it. Even if they ask for lab-work, and you can take them, don't go there please. Go to a hospital-based infusion center, or one of those centers that does biologics and is a knockoff of a hospital infusion center.

 

If one of you ends up croaking because I didn't properly explain to you that this is nothing you want to be messing with, I'm going to feel sick forever.

 

Chelation:

 

Everybody in the world who eats fish and starts feeling bad thinks they have mercury poisoning. You don't. Well, it's damned unlikely anyway. You didn't get too much aluminum through your skin from your deodorant either.

 

If you've called us about it, and gotten our "hell no" spiel, and thought about going some other place that does offer chelation, please read this first:

 

"Chelation therapy must be administered with care as it has a number of possible side effects, including death. In response to increasing use of chelation therapy as alternative medicine and in circumstances in which the therapy should not be used in conventional medicine, various health organizations have confirmed that medical evidence does not support the effectiveness of chelation therapy for any purpose other than the treatment of heavy metal poisoning."

 

Hey, you MIGHT have some kind of heavy metal poisoning (if you've been licking lead paint from the 70s or eating 6 cans of tuna a day), but if you do, go to a hospital. If you get chelation therapy anywhere they also offer tanning or hair coloring, you're asking to be a news story.

 

Ketamine:

 

I hate having to discuss this crap. Let me give you some bullet points:

 

• It's a "dissociative anesthetic". That means you basically go full-zombie. Yes, it treats depression, but only because you no longer give a damn about anything, probably including your job and family. Congrats.

• It wears off and you have to get it again, and again, and again. Does that sound like a good idea?

• Legally, a CRNA or Anesthesiologist has to administer it, and they have to stay present WITH A CRASH CART in the room, in case you flat-line. This does not sound like a good idea to me.

• It's mainly used in war zones to knock people out prior to emergency surgery, and was a biggie in Vietnam. Is that what you want because you're in a funk? VIetnam War combat anesthesia?

 

It's ULTRA-profitable. IV spas pay like 10 bucks a dose and charge people THOUSANDS. Then you pray they don't croak, or have their lives ruined by getting hooked on a drug that turns them into zombies... or you don't care and just cash the check. Either way, that isn't for us.

 

Additives during pregnancy:

 

Nope.

 

Zofran has been linked to birth defects. Every pregnant woman wants it when they have morning sickness, and I get it, but it's not worth the risk. A simple bag of Ringer's Lactate (which we can give you with a note from your doctor/provider), will make you feel a hell of a lot better, and it won't be putting your baby at risk.

 

Same with vitamins. A dose that's good for you is going to be a MEGADOSE for your baby, and nobody knows how a megadose is going to affect a baby during gestation. You aren't drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes, so why risk pumping your baby full of something that's possibly not good for them?

 

_______________

 

I could list another half dozen, but I've already preached enough. The heart of the matter is that you're an adult, and if you want to get these things you can. We just don't feel right doing them. It's costing us to not give these treatments, but we sleep like babies. Sure, we want to make a pile of money on this deal and build a nice pool, but if we had to do it by offering things we are nervous about, it wouldn't be a whole lot of fun to float around in the pool thinking "Aahhhhh... great pool. All I had to do was put my patients at risk to get it."

 

If you do go get these treatments, and survive, please consider coming back to us for the "vanilla" IVs. We'd love to have you...

 

________________

 

Sorry to be such a bump on a log this time, but I prefer all of you living and coming back to us for the next many years.

 

I promise I won't preach or stomp my feet next month, so til then,

stay Happy, Healthy, and Hydrated, and we'll see you in July!

 

Bob